Let me grab a coffee MotoZania freaks. Right. Now I can start to think about this blog which is about the MCN Carol Nash Motorcycle Show in the far east...of London. May as well be in China. What's wrong with Earl's Court for crying out loud? Excel is actally quite impressive and although getting there is a dreary pain as we all know, the moaning stops at the sight of all those bikes, boots, backpacks, beer and babes. Well, a different type of moaning starts...'Why can't I win the Lotto', 'Why is everyone ELSE rich?'...that sort of moaning.
This years show was near identical to the show I reported on at the NEC in Birmingham. The Ducati stand was as sexy as ever but top marks go to Aprilia. Why? They had the RSV4 up on their stage but also they had one to sit on. Gorgeous is the understatement of 2010 for this bike.
We watched the stunt teams in the live action arena. I was gob-smacked. Such skills are unearthly. Steve Colley did amazing stunts on his 65Kg (143lb) GasGas even hopping over his van with NO FRONT WHEEL or forks! World stunt champion Mattie Griffin (an exclusive first appearance at ExCeL) was fantastic on his little GSXR doing hands-free wheelies in a circle amongst other things. As one does... Terry Grant and the UKFMX freestylers were scary brave in my opinion and actually did an indoor back flip. One thing that amused me was how terribly British the audience was. The guy on the mic would yell and gesticulate and desperately try to get the audience to clap or shout. 99% sat in mildly amused stony silence. If this was America they would be screaming and obediently clapping on cue. I sometimes think Americans don't actually care what show they are watching, (well we know that - just look at their talk shows) simply yellinging in large numbers seems to entertain them. All one has to do is name a city or State and watch the Mexican waves and cheering bring the roof down. They are very good-natured at large events. In England some lad risks his life and limbs to perform some God-like feat and there is a gentle patter of discreet claps like they are all out on a golf course! What is so embarrasing is that the show host doesn't seem to get it. The more he demands a screaming show of appreciation the more one can hear a solid "Steady On" from the audience.
I was looking to show my friend Louisa the ugliest bike in the world...the new Honda VFR1200. I was bemoaning the direction the current designers were taking and saying I reckon the new VFR looks like a puppy-fat version of the obese Victory Vision when what do we see before us? Yes, a London double-decker bus with a saddle on it. The Victory Vision. Of course I watched the TYPES of guys that clambered onto the behemoth and sat there thinking 'Vroom Vroom, I wish I was in California instead of Clapham...' I assumed the top box contains the sauna.
Anyway, between the Suzuki Gladys and the new Edward Munch scream-faced VFR I have a horrid sensation that these designers LIKED the old Ford Sierra and want the jelly-mold, hospital-food bland styles back. The thing was not yet launched so the Honda was absent. I'm sure it will get rave reviews about purring power, touring nirvana and the usual over-inflated 'build quality' praise that Honda usually gets. Still looks like a pig. And not a cute piglet either... And since I'm ranting on about design and this fetish for faces on bikes, doesn't the new Ducati Multistrada look like Woody Woodpecker? The R1 is an alien insect. Very scary face which I approve of for scaring Rover drivers off the road. The Ducati 1198 is a shark. Super!
I found an interesting product that on face value would seem to be a British bikers dream. Heat In A Click re-usable gel pads. http://www.heatinaclick.com/. There is some little coin-like disc inside that when pressed releases 'salts' or whatever into the gel and it instantly heats to 54C (130F). Shove them in your gloves, boots, bum, whatever and for 45 minutes you get a local hot-spot. The kidney belt version seemed a good idea. Boil the bag when you get home and it returns to its re-usable form. Just don't do that at the same time the missus is cooking boil-in-the-bag rice you duffer.
So far so good. But Mr. Cynical/Sceptical/Sarcastic/Impatient here started to think about it. (Oh no I hear you saying...JK's attempting to think). Actually activating the thing and then getting it to where you want it doesn't seem so easy to me. Picture it. If its cold enough to warrant these heat pads (that'll be 10 months of the year in the UK) you will be wearing some Long-Way-Round Goretex weather-proof bike gear - right? So there I am at the petrol station, surrounded by mums in there 4x4's full of the 'little darlings' and I have cold thighs. So I take two big pads, massage the coin and then strip to my boxers (unless one goes commando when things really hot up) to insert the pads into my trousers all the while fighting my quilted bulky jacket. And how, pray tell, do I keep the pads on my thighs whilst pulling the trousers up? They will either drop to the underside or down into my boots where I already have 2 pads cooking my feet.
Obviously the idea is to PREPARE before you ride out. Ah, the simplicity of genius. But if like me you fight your way into your bike gear getting all clobbered up in the bedroom and are a melting puddle of sweat before you get to your bike, whereupon you remember your mobile, so back into the house fourteen times for items you forgot you needed, each time struggling out-of and into your backpack (which ALWAYS snag on the myriad tabs, buttons, pockets of your left arm)...by now you just want to freeze your nuts off in an icy wind to prevent self-combustion. Now that we have achieved our usual pre-ride operating temperature of Nebucadnezzar's furnace we remeber to ignite our heat pads... I can just see myself at my local Esso station stripped naked and hosing myself down with a cold jet-wash whilst stomping on the heat-pads in fiery fury. Then an hour later, shivering on the boring M25, I'd wish I had a couple of little glove pads...which I couldn't activate anyway because one may not stop on a Motorway and, as any biker knows, we HATE stopping to fuss over things and anyway whichever exit you take there will be no way to get back onto the Motorway for over 300 miles. Leave at Reading and end up in Inverness...all for the sake of some lumpy pad in my gloves that are too tight to allow for a pad in the first place! Ah the joys of British biking. Do you detect a touch of cynicism in me? I'm sure the problem is more me than these heat pads so check them out and if you figure out how to use them email me.
Back to the good stuff. Aprilia and more Aprilia. I have somehow fallen for this brand and almost all that they are doing. I won't be bobbing about on that Piaggio MP3 player, that 3 wheeled leaning weirdo that is phenominal fun to all accounts. But that's just because I don't/won't do Burgmany things nor scoots of any size. Oh yes, Aprilia also blew away the competition in the 'battle of the brollie-babes'. Not that such sexist things are acceptable you understand. Totally unacceptable. But one must suffer these outrageous indignities bravely...it was almost as disgraceful as visiting the MotoZania website. You sickos.
The Moto Guzzi concept bike was pretty flippin' wierd. Interesting. I think the lights are bit off the mark but it sure looks like a must-ride-once.
I did like the look of the new Yamaha Tenere. Apparently it is extremely capable in all situations, and I did consider it for the Extra Mile Bike Tours this summer, but I've done the single cylinder enduro across German Autobahns and I can't do that again. I'll end up in a straight jacket and it won't be Goretex. I was very struck by Yamaha's cheap-and-cheerful new Diversion. I think it looks very good and I assume its to battle the Suzuki Bandit.
We bumped into Big Ed the MCE insurance mascot who seemed rather pleased to pose with Louisa. I was also pleased to get a very good quote on insurance for an Aprilia RSV from the Carol Nash stand. The girl even said I can insure multiple bikes. I'd be happy to have ONE bike right now! I think that thw RSV will be my next bike unless you can prove I'm daft to go with that choice. KTM are just tooooo pricey for my anorexic wallet. As are the beers in London pubs. Which is where we ended our day out before catching the train home.
Finally, I must apologise to you for the pathetic photos. My camera's auto focus appears to have rebelled. Probably after I took a photo of the Victory...
Photos: JK tries the Yamaha Tenere, Yamaha Diversion - cheap and cheerful, Louisa finds a boyfriend at last, from the Aprilia website: Aprilia RSV4 - bow down and worship now you heathens, Mattie Griffin - or was that me struggling to ride in a mini roundabout?, Steve Colley and my abstract photo, Twin Cylinders, Guzzi concept, Hypermotard detail, shark, Woody Woodpecker I and II, R1 alien insect, Aprilia test rider, cool BSA - if there is such a thing, Ducati stand, "Does my bum look big in these pants?", London pub. Loverly.
