My bigest blog ever ever ever

Guess what? That big shiny thing in the sky that people in Dubai and Arizona know? Well it appeared over England this morning. I think it's batteries are going but it definitely limped across a bit of the sky. It didn't melt the frost or anything but we all stood in awe as the sky DIDN'T throw the wet stuff on us. Miracles. You don't believe in them? If this keeps up I'll be able to turn my tea into wine...

OK. The NEC bike show. I was peacefully enjoying the brollie babes posing for the cameras (OK, my camera was also in the crowd but check out the slogan on their arses in my pic...it had to be done) when I was cornered by an amiable 'mad professor' selling a new petrol additive. Two to be exact. He made me sniff at the usual Redex-type product and I instantly knew it was nail varnish remover. Cellulose? Then his new product called Magic Bullet. That was an oily, clear odor-free liqid. Anyway, after a bit of a debate (although I did work in the chemical industry I flunked chemistry in art school so of course I lost the debate) he gave me a sample to test. I can't wait until I have a bike to see if it does what it says on the tin. Global Fuel Treatments have two versions. Magic Bullet for increased power and de-coking and Burn Clean for more economy and de-coking. No harm to bike engines he says. I went for the economy addative because I'm skint, a tightwad with petrol, and shouldn't be on the roads with more power.

I'll let you know if this stuff really works. Trust my cynicism folks. If it saves me more than it costs by a noticeable margin I'll inform you all. read their bumph at http://www.globalfueltreatments.com/

Another stand I was intrigued with was Spyder Club. Mark and Lizzi Smith-Young have set up a sort of 'time-share' for bikes. I am still working out whether one needs to be well-heeled to join but you book time with the likes of brand-new Ducati 1198's and track usage with stunning black R6's. Everything is paid for so you don't need insurance/road tax/ MOT and all that aggravating stuff. I guess you just book your time on one of their beauties and ride off for an agreed length of time. Nice couple, cool idea, I'm jealous. Now once I win the lotto...

I was blown away by the Vyrus raced by Phil Read (Yes the son of Phil Read and now marketing guru for Aprilia UK). It was built by Ben Shaughnessy of Alto Performance and this bike is in my DREAM GARAGE line-up. Hub-centre steering and pure form-through-function, this baby is sex in metal! Ben was pulled in all directions with the crowds but he was still kind enough to spare me a few moments. http://www.altoracing.co.uk/Racing/index.html

Norton was there and racer Chris Walker was busy signing baseball caps for little boys so I just chatted to the lady behind the counter. Apparently all the Norton's are sold already at...get this...£16k. Why am I the only starving poor git in the world? I'm not keen on the tail-end treatment but if you're into Commandos you'll love it. I rode my mate Andy's REAL 850 Commando once. It was like sitting on a kitchen table with a jack-hammer under your arse. I'd forgotten how horrid Brit bikes were. Just kidding, I loved my old Norton 650 Dominator. And it was reliable. Hey did you hear that we Brits are now producing laptops? We finally figured out how to make them leak oil...

Let's see...what else did I note? Oh yeah, Kawasaki had the new Z1000 there. Stylish as ever but calling it a 'naked bike' is a joke. Its only as naked as a girl with a bare midriff. I mean, come on! They simply remove 10" of fairing from the middle so that road crud can be chucked on the exhaust pipes and gullible biker journalists declare it 'naked'!!! Kawasaki also had another stab at the pig-ugly face of the Versys. Apparently it's a really good all-rounder but I'd have my dark visor down when I walked into the garage with this headlamp/fairing/screen staring at me like Frankenstein married Quasimodo.

Speaking of ugly with a capital U... the new VFR1200 is hideous in my eyes. When did Honda and Victory get married? They reckon it looks like a face and that car drivers will see it better. Subliminal recognition. I reckon that car drivers will jump with fright as they subliminally see the mother-in-law...

OK. Rant over.

That big ugly warthog bike is the main feature of Visor Down magazine that I snaffled from their stand. I just missed commentator/racers Jamie Witham and Niall Mackenzie on that stand which is a pity as I rate Jamie Witham the BEST commentator on TV bar none. Good northern humour. That's what we need on TV...not enthusiastic twittering like that old F1 fart...legend or not.

KTM. After sitting on, staring at, dribbling over the RC8 and Adventure and SMT and Duke I went to the staff and told them I hated them all. How can they, with a clear conscience, produce these bikes and price them out of my reach. Oh how I wept... now when I win the lotto...

In addition to the usual production bikes there was a stand full of custom specials. I've added some snapshots of a few for your perusal.

I also had a fun time being interviewed by Superbike magazine. Now I like that magazine and especially the editor's sense of honesty and humour. So I told them that although the magazine needs improved graphics and layout and font choice (non-stop red/yellow truck-side fonts make me shudder) I would never buy a bike without reading the Superbike road test reports. And I mean that. Of course my heart would over-rule anything my head said so it would be a waste of honest reporting but that's my problem. I mean who wants to spend their life being SENSIBLE? Perish the very thought. Anyway, they actually gave me some cash and a bag of goodies for my ridiculous rants! I must go up to Croydon and say thank you.

I was very impressed with the Scorpion helmets. The new visors will not fog and can be bent inside out without breaking. I really just went to say thanks for saving my life back in August. My EXO1000 had inflatable cheek pads and a superb drop-down interior tinted visor...like a fighter-pilot's. Very useful! It was destroyed when I landed on my head. The doctor in Guildford hospital asked me why I wasn't dead. Because I landed on my head dude!

Well I hit my local pub for a curry and some superb real ale last night. One diet BLOWN like a Hillman Imp headgasket! I was sort of celebrating as I try to stop being a 'deadleg-on-the-dole' and get something happening beyond solitaire and painting the kitchen (classic red walls - trust me it looks great!). I have just begun two projects as well as the superb MotoZania website promotion. As the previous blog showed I met with Carl Coombes (how British is THAT name?) of extramilebiketours.com and a tasty blond...no she just came to chat with the two coolest blokes at the show... about their tour company and what it offers to bikers. Their website header has a lot of orange in the sunset. I also started a new business selling a natural (no caffein/sugar) energy drink designed more for long-distance/endurance riders. That product is also identified by lots of orange. Since it is a powder that you mix with water (I said WATER not vodka/gin) it can be carried by bikers with no weight penalty. All you need is a handy stream from the alps. So I set up http://www.powerpunch.co.uk/. The guy who registered the domain name emailed me and expressed his disbelief that the name was even available. My lucky day. So what I am leading to in this diatribe is the fact that I am now fairly influenced in my choice of bike to replace my beloved R1. I was determined to buy an Aprilia RSV mille. The BSB racer James Ellison said he was a mechanic and in effect hinted that 'I shouldn't go there'. Bollocks says I to myself. (1-0 Heart over Head). The other love of my life was the KTM 990 Adventure/SMT. Well with all this orange corporate identity stuff happening in my life I guess I'll just HAVE to suffer a KTM. If I win the lotto. If anyone has another bike to suggest or sell you can email me your recommendations. Hell, I'd love to sneer at your pathetic attempts to open my mind...

Birmingham Motorcycle show NEC

WOW! That's it folks. Just WOW! This is a pretty big show even without Honda. That didn't break my heart. I'm just not a real Honda fan...

I don't know where to start except with last night. I met some German students at my local and got practicing mein Deutsch. Real ales and biking German's made me stay late. I only slept 4 hours as any time I know I have to be up early keeps me awake all night. Hence my hate of mornings. The only day one never needs to be up early is a Sunday...so I always wake up fresh and early on a Sunday! That's my coffee/design morning. Anyway, I got up needlessly at 6 bloody am, showered and shaved and gathered maps etc and Enterprise picked me up and dumped me in a little silver Ford Fiesta. Off I trundled the 140 miles to the NEC. Traffic jams (some duffers ran their cars into people in front...eedjuts!) roadworks and every 90 year-old fossil in a Nissan Micra made the roads unbearablely slow. I swear I was overtaken in the 50mph roadwork zone by Noah's ark. I know because an elephant pooped on my windscreen. Could have been a Range Rover but the doves on the roof were suspicious... What really hurt was swinging over to let the bikers through...

Needless to say the 12.7 minutes of sunshine was our allowance for this month and to add to the joys it pissed down all the way there. Now, for any American readers I must clarify one thing. We Brits cannot organise a booze-up in a brewery. It's why we win wars. We never expect anything but bungling chaos and confusion and it's all down to keeping a stiff upper lip and then we'll see who has the last man standing. Go to ANY American sports/exhibition venue. Big rectangular car park in front of a big stadium with a simple gigantic entrance with masses of helpful staff to collect your ticket. Inside is simplicity and spaciousness itself. Now why would we want to copy that when our British architects can create a venue of 28 separate buildings with 487 different entrances, 230 twisty, windy carparks that hold 12 cars for 45,000 people. So we do what any self-respecting anarchists do. We set up 367,000 orange cones to close off the entrances we cannot possibly afford to staff and put up no signs so we can catch all 45,000 lost, angry, frustrated customers (who took out a second mortgage to get in) on our 675,000 CTV cameras. The fun is in guessing how long they will take to eventually find their way into the right exhibition. To add to the X-Box game mentality we will run 3 different shows in 92 of the 369 halls so they all crossflow against each other. With any luck the bikers will begin beating the food-show fatties and kicking the dog-loving Pet-Show crowd who left their pit-bulls at home. Welcome to bloody Britain. We detest convenience.

The sad part is exiting the M42 Motorway at junction 6 full of excitement and thinking "in 15 minutes I'll be drooling on Ducatis, yearning for Yamahas, sexed-out by Suzukis, kick-started by Kawasakis, happy Honda stayed away" (just kidding) and 1.5 miles, 32 roundabouts and 1 hour later you find a car park with NO IDEA where on the planet you are! The bus driver (of course) tells you he doesn't go to the motorcycle show but you can walk through from Atrium II - all 437 miles of airport-like skywalk! I am convinced the bloody car parks are in Scotland...

Hey am I ranting?

Like all biker nuts all is forgiven at the sight of walls of Sidi boots, Scorpion helmets, Dainese leathers and lycra-clad legs-to-the-neck brollie babes. You see it in the faces. Carrier bags bursting with brochures to dream over by the fire as it pours down outside. I met Carl from Extra Mile Bike Tours and over a beer I listened to his explanation of their offerings. We were rudely interupted by a cheeky babe so I took a picture. There are some very useful extras thrown in to their tours(like first aid training...I have no clue...I'd snap your head off I think) and the survival course thing REALLY appealed to me. Anyway, we talked tours and how to make them memorable and special and what struck me was the way these guys accept that they are often training bikers to not necessarily need them any more! Once a biker was experienced in European travel of course he can trundle off alone if he so desires. I did pick up the hint that much of the fun was meeting new people though so I assume many come back for new routes and new friends. After that discussion I wandered off and snapped photos. Now at this point I will break off with a few pics and do a new blog about the show. My highlight? Stumbling across BSB stars James Ellison and Leon Camier after the close of the show and buying the GSE racing/Airways Yamaha book signed by both the boys. Pity I missed Charlie Boorman, James Witham and Niall Mackenzie.

Photos: James Ellison BSB R1 wizard, Carl from EXtra MILe bike tours and a non-smoker Swan girl! Brollie Babes amidst the swirl, Ducati 1200 Woodpecker, BMW S1000RR with two kids on board.