My bigest blog ever ever ever

Guess what? That big shiny thing in the sky that people in Dubai and Arizona know? Well it appeared over England this morning. I think it's batteries are going but it definitely limped across a bit of the sky. It didn't melt the frost or anything but we all stood in awe as the sky DIDN'T throw the wet stuff on us. Miracles. You don't believe in them? If this keeps up I'll be able to turn my tea into wine...

OK. The NEC bike show. I was peacefully enjoying the brollie babes posing for the cameras (OK, my camera was also in the crowd but check out the slogan on their arses in my pic...it had to be done) when I was cornered by an amiable 'mad professor' selling a new petrol additive. Two to be exact. He made me sniff at the usual Redex-type product and I instantly knew it was nail varnish remover. Cellulose? Then his new product called Magic Bullet. That was an oily, clear odor-free liqid. Anyway, after a bit of a debate (although I did work in the chemical industry I flunked chemistry in art school so of course I lost the debate) he gave me a sample to test. I can't wait until I have a bike to see if it does what it says on the tin. Global Fuel Treatments have two versions. Magic Bullet for increased power and de-coking and Burn Clean for more economy and de-coking. No harm to bike engines he says. I went for the economy addative because I'm skint, a tightwad with petrol, and shouldn't be on the roads with more power.

I'll let you know if this stuff really works. Trust my cynicism folks. If it saves me more than it costs by a noticeable margin I'll inform you all. read their bumph at http://www.globalfueltreatments.com/

Another stand I was intrigued with was Spyder Club. Mark and Lizzi Smith-Young have set up a sort of 'time-share' for bikes. I am still working out whether one needs to be well-heeled to join but you book time with the likes of brand-new Ducati 1198's and track usage with stunning black R6's. Everything is paid for so you don't need insurance/road tax/ MOT and all that aggravating stuff. I guess you just book your time on one of their beauties and ride off for an agreed length of time. Nice couple, cool idea, I'm jealous. Now once I win the lotto...

I was blown away by the Vyrus raced by Phil Read (Yes the son of Phil Read and now marketing guru for Aprilia UK). It was built by Ben Shaughnessy of Alto Performance and this bike is in my DREAM GARAGE line-up. Hub-centre steering and pure form-through-function, this baby is sex in metal! Ben was pulled in all directions with the crowds but he was still kind enough to spare me a few moments. http://www.altoracing.co.uk/Racing/index.html

Norton was there and racer Chris Walker was busy signing baseball caps for little boys so I just chatted to the lady behind the counter. Apparently all the Norton's are sold already at...get this...£16k. Why am I the only starving poor git in the world? I'm not keen on the tail-end treatment but if you're into Commandos you'll love it. I rode my mate Andy's REAL 850 Commando once. It was like sitting on a kitchen table with a jack-hammer under your arse. I'd forgotten how horrid Brit bikes were. Just kidding, I loved my old Norton 650 Dominator. And it was reliable. Hey did you hear that we Brits are now producing laptops? We finally figured out how to make them leak oil...

Let's see...what else did I note? Oh yeah, Kawasaki had the new Z1000 there. Stylish as ever but calling it a 'naked bike' is a joke. Its only as naked as a girl with a bare midriff. I mean, come on! They simply remove 10" of fairing from the middle so that road crud can be chucked on the exhaust pipes and gullible biker journalists declare it 'naked'!!! Kawasaki also had another stab at the pig-ugly face of the Versys. Apparently it's a really good all-rounder but I'd have my dark visor down when I walked into the garage with this headlamp/fairing/screen staring at me like Frankenstein married Quasimodo.

Speaking of ugly with a capital U... the new VFR1200 is hideous in my eyes. When did Honda and Victory get married? They reckon it looks like a face and that car drivers will see it better. Subliminal recognition. I reckon that car drivers will jump with fright as they subliminally see the mother-in-law...

OK. Rant over.

That big ugly warthog bike is the main feature of Visor Down magazine that I snaffled from their stand. I just missed commentator/racers Jamie Witham and Niall Mackenzie on that stand which is a pity as I rate Jamie Witham the BEST commentator on TV bar none. Good northern humour. That's what we need on TV...not enthusiastic twittering like that old F1 fart...legend or not.

KTM. After sitting on, staring at, dribbling over the RC8 and Adventure and SMT and Duke I went to the staff and told them I hated them all. How can they, with a clear conscience, produce these bikes and price them out of my reach. Oh how I wept... now when I win the lotto...

In addition to the usual production bikes there was a stand full of custom specials. I've added some snapshots of a few for your perusal.

I also had a fun time being interviewed by Superbike magazine. Now I like that magazine and especially the editor's sense of honesty and humour. So I told them that although the magazine needs improved graphics and layout and font choice (non-stop red/yellow truck-side fonts make me shudder) I would never buy a bike without reading the Superbike road test reports. And I mean that. Of course my heart would over-rule anything my head said so it would be a waste of honest reporting but that's my problem. I mean who wants to spend their life being SENSIBLE? Perish the very thought. Anyway, they actually gave me some cash and a bag of goodies for my ridiculous rants! I must go up to Croydon and say thank you.

I was very impressed with the Scorpion helmets. The new visors will not fog and can be bent inside out without breaking. I really just went to say thanks for saving my life back in August. My EXO1000 had inflatable cheek pads and a superb drop-down interior tinted visor...like a fighter-pilot's. Very useful! It was destroyed when I landed on my head. The doctor in Guildford hospital asked me why I wasn't dead. Because I landed on my head dude!

Well I hit my local pub for a curry and some superb real ale last night. One diet BLOWN like a Hillman Imp headgasket! I was sort of celebrating as I try to stop being a 'deadleg-on-the-dole' and get something happening beyond solitaire and painting the kitchen (classic red walls - trust me it looks great!). I have just begun two projects as well as the superb MotoZania website promotion. As the previous blog showed I met with Carl Coombes (how British is THAT name?) of extramilebiketours.com and a tasty blond...no she just came to chat with the two coolest blokes at the show... about their tour company and what it offers to bikers. Their website header has a lot of orange in the sunset. I also started a new business selling a natural (no caffein/sugar) energy drink designed more for long-distance/endurance riders. That product is also identified by lots of orange. Since it is a powder that you mix with water (I said WATER not vodka/gin) it can be carried by bikers with no weight penalty. All you need is a handy stream from the alps. So I set up http://www.powerpunch.co.uk/. The guy who registered the domain name emailed me and expressed his disbelief that the name was even available. My lucky day. So what I am leading to in this diatribe is the fact that I am now fairly influenced in my choice of bike to replace my beloved R1. I was determined to buy an Aprilia RSV mille. The BSB racer James Ellison said he was a mechanic and in effect hinted that 'I shouldn't go there'. Bollocks says I to myself. (1-0 Heart over Head). The other love of my life was the KTM 990 Adventure/SMT. Well with all this orange corporate identity stuff happening in my life I guess I'll just HAVE to suffer a KTM. If I win the lotto. If anyone has another bike to suggest or sell you can email me your recommendations. Hell, I'd love to sneer at your pathetic attempts to open my mind...