My bigest blog ever ever ever

Guess what? That big shiny thing in the sky that people in Dubai and Arizona know? Well it appeared over England this morning. I think it's batteries are going but it definitely limped across a bit of the sky. It didn't melt the frost or anything but we all stood in awe as the sky DIDN'T throw the wet stuff on us. Miracles. You don't believe in them? If this keeps up I'll be able to turn my tea into wine...

OK. The NEC bike show. I was peacefully enjoying the brollie babes posing for the cameras (OK, my camera was also in the crowd but check out the slogan on their arses in my pic...it had to be done) when I was cornered by an amiable 'mad professor' selling a new petrol additive. Two to be exact. He made me sniff at the usual Redex-type product and I instantly knew it was nail varnish remover. Cellulose? Then his new product called Magic Bullet. That was an oily, clear odor-free liqid. Anyway, after a bit of a debate (although I did work in the chemical industry I flunked chemistry in art school so of course I lost the debate) he gave me a sample to test. I can't wait until I have a bike to see if it does what it says on the tin. Global Fuel Treatments have two versions. Magic Bullet for increased power and de-coking and Burn Clean for more economy and de-coking. No harm to bike engines he says. I went for the economy addative because I'm skint, a tightwad with petrol, and shouldn't be on the roads with more power.

I'll let you know if this stuff really works. Trust my cynicism folks. If it saves me more than it costs by a noticeable margin I'll inform you all. read their bumph at http://www.globalfueltreatments.com/

Another stand I was intrigued with was Spyder Club. Mark and Lizzi Smith-Young have set up a sort of 'time-share' for bikes. I am still working out whether one needs to be well-heeled to join but you book time with the likes of brand-new Ducati 1198's and track usage with stunning black R6's. Everything is paid for so you don't need insurance/road tax/ MOT and all that aggravating stuff. I guess you just book your time on one of their beauties and ride off for an agreed length of time. Nice couple, cool idea, I'm jealous. Now once I win the lotto...

I was blown away by the Vyrus raced by Phil Read (Yes the son of Phil Read and now marketing guru for Aprilia UK). It was built by Ben Shaughnessy of Alto Performance and this bike is in my DREAM GARAGE line-up. Hub-centre steering and pure form-through-function, this baby is sex in metal! Ben was pulled in all directions with the crowds but he was still kind enough to spare me a few moments. http://www.altoracing.co.uk/Racing/index.html

Norton was there and racer Chris Walker was busy signing baseball caps for little boys so I just chatted to the lady behind the counter. Apparently all the Norton's are sold already at...get this...£16k. Why am I the only starving poor git in the world? I'm not keen on the tail-end treatment but if you're into Commandos you'll love it. I rode my mate Andy's REAL 850 Commando once. It was like sitting on a kitchen table with a jack-hammer under your arse. I'd forgotten how horrid Brit bikes were. Just kidding, I loved my old Norton 650 Dominator. And it was reliable. Hey did you hear that we Brits are now producing laptops? We finally figured out how to make them leak oil...

Let's see...what else did I note? Oh yeah, Kawasaki had the new Z1000 there. Stylish as ever but calling it a 'naked bike' is a joke. Its only as naked as a girl with a bare midriff. I mean, come on! They simply remove 10" of fairing from the middle so that road crud can be chucked on the exhaust pipes and gullible biker journalists declare it 'naked'!!! Kawasaki also had another stab at the pig-ugly face of the Versys. Apparently it's a really good all-rounder but I'd have my dark visor down when I walked into the garage with this headlamp/fairing/screen staring at me like Frankenstein married Quasimodo.

Speaking of ugly with a capital U... the new VFR1200 is hideous in my eyes. When did Honda and Victory get married? They reckon it looks like a face and that car drivers will see it better. Subliminal recognition. I reckon that car drivers will jump with fright as they subliminally see the mother-in-law...

OK. Rant over.

That big ugly warthog bike is the main feature of Visor Down magazine that I snaffled from their stand. I just missed commentator/racers Jamie Witham and Niall Mackenzie on that stand which is a pity as I rate Jamie Witham the BEST commentator on TV bar none. Good northern humour. That's what we need on TV...not enthusiastic twittering like that old F1 fart...legend or not.

KTM. After sitting on, staring at, dribbling over the RC8 and Adventure and SMT and Duke I went to the staff and told them I hated them all. How can they, with a clear conscience, produce these bikes and price them out of my reach. Oh how I wept... now when I win the lotto...

In addition to the usual production bikes there was a stand full of custom specials. I've added some snapshots of a few for your perusal.

I also had a fun time being interviewed by Superbike magazine. Now I like that magazine and especially the editor's sense of honesty and humour. So I told them that although the magazine needs improved graphics and layout and font choice (non-stop red/yellow truck-side fonts make me shudder) I would never buy a bike without reading the Superbike road test reports. And I mean that. Of course my heart would over-rule anything my head said so it would be a waste of honest reporting but that's my problem. I mean who wants to spend their life being SENSIBLE? Perish the very thought. Anyway, they actually gave me some cash and a bag of goodies for my ridiculous rants! I must go up to Croydon and say thank you.

I was very impressed with the Scorpion helmets. The new visors will not fog and can be bent inside out without breaking. I really just went to say thanks for saving my life back in August. My EXO1000 had inflatable cheek pads and a superb drop-down interior tinted visor...like a fighter-pilot's. Very useful! It was destroyed when I landed on my head. The doctor in Guildford hospital asked me why I wasn't dead. Because I landed on my head dude!

Well I hit my local pub for a curry and some superb real ale last night. One diet BLOWN like a Hillman Imp headgasket! I was sort of celebrating as I try to stop being a 'deadleg-on-the-dole' and get something happening beyond solitaire and painting the kitchen (classic red walls - trust me it looks great!). I have just begun two projects as well as the superb MotoZania website promotion. As the previous blog showed I met with Carl Coombes (how British is THAT name?) of extramilebiketours.com and a tasty blond...no she just came to chat with the two coolest blokes at the show... about their tour company and what it offers to bikers. Their website header has a lot of orange in the sunset. I also started a new business selling a natural (no caffein/sugar) energy drink designed more for long-distance/endurance riders. That product is also identified by lots of orange. Since it is a powder that you mix with water (I said WATER not vodka/gin) it can be carried by bikers with no weight penalty. All you need is a handy stream from the alps. So I set up http://www.powerpunch.co.uk/. The guy who registered the domain name emailed me and expressed his disbelief that the name was even available. My lucky day. So what I am leading to in this diatribe is the fact that I am now fairly influenced in my choice of bike to replace my beloved R1. I was determined to buy an Aprilia RSV mille. The BSB racer James Ellison said he was a mechanic and in effect hinted that 'I shouldn't go there'. Bollocks says I to myself. (1-0 Heart over Head). The other love of my life was the KTM 990 Adventure/SMT. Well with all this orange corporate identity stuff happening in my life I guess I'll just HAVE to suffer a KTM. If I win the lotto. If anyone has another bike to suggest or sell you can email me your recommendations. Hell, I'd love to sneer at your pathetic attempts to open my mind...

Birmingham Motorcycle show NEC

WOW! That's it folks. Just WOW! This is a pretty big show even without Honda. That didn't break my heart. I'm just not a real Honda fan...

I don't know where to start except with last night. I met some German students at my local and got practicing mein Deutsch. Real ales and biking German's made me stay late. I only slept 4 hours as any time I know I have to be up early keeps me awake all night. Hence my hate of mornings. The only day one never needs to be up early is a Sunday...so I always wake up fresh and early on a Sunday! That's my coffee/design morning. Anyway, I got up needlessly at 6 bloody am, showered and shaved and gathered maps etc and Enterprise picked me up and dumped me in a little silver Ford Fiesta. Off I trundled the 140 miles to the NEC. Traffic jams (some duffers ran their cars into people in front...eedjuts!) roadworks and every 90 year-old fossil in a Nissan Micra made the roads unbearablely slow. I swear I was overtaken in the 50mph roadwork zone by Noah's ark. I know because an elephant pooped on my windscreen. Could have been a Range Rover but the doves on the roof were suspicious... What really hurt was swinging over to let the bikers through...

Needless to say the 12.7 minutes of sunshine was our allowance for this month and to add to the joys it pissed down all the way there. Now, for any American readers I must clarify one thing. We Brits cannot organise a booze-up in a brewery. It's why we win wars. We never expect anything but bungling chaos and confusion and it's all down to keeping a stiff upper lip and then we'll see who has the last man standing. Go to ANY American sports/exhibition venue. Big rectangular car park in front of a big stadium with a simple gigantic entrance with masses of helpful staff to collect your ticket. Inside is simplicity and spaciousness itself. Now why would we want to copy that when our British architects can create a venue of 28 separate buildings with 487 different entrances, 230 twisty, windy carparks that hold 12 cars for 45,000 people. So we do what any self-respecting anarchists do. We set up 367,000 orange cones to close off the entrances we cannot possibly afford to staff and put up no signs so we can catch all 45,000 lost, angry, frustrated customers (who took out a second mortgage to get in) on our 675,000 CTV cameras. The fun is in guessing how long they will take to eventually find their way into the right exhibition. To add to the X-Box game mentality we will run 3 different shows in 92 of the 369 halls so they all crossflow against each other. With any luck the bikers will begin beating the food-show fatties and kicking the dog-loving Pet-Show crowd who left their pit-bulls at home. Welcome to bloody Britain. We detest convenience.

The sad part is exiting the M42 Motorway at junction 6 full of excitement and thinking "in 15 minutes I'll be drooling on Ducatis, yearning for Yamahas, sexed-out by Suzukis, kick-started by Kawasakis, happy Honda stayed away" (just kidding) and 1.5 miles, 32 roundabouts and 1 hour later you find a car park with NO IDEA where on the planet you are! The bus driver (of course) tells you he doesn't go to the motorcycle show but you can walk through from Atrium II - all 437 miles of airport-like skywalk! I am convinced the bloody car parks are in Scotland...

Hey am I ranting?

Like all biker nuts all is forgiven at the sight of walls of Sidi boots, Scorpion helmets, Dainese leathers and lycra-clad legs-to-the-neck brollie babes. You see it in the faces. Carrier bags bursting with brochures to dream over by the fire as it pours down outside. I met Carl from Extra Mile Bike Tours and over a beer I listened to his explanation of their offerings. We were rudely interupted by a cheeky babe so I took a picture. There are some very useful extras thrown in to their tours(like first aid training...I have no clue...I'd snap your head off I think) and the survival course thing REALLY appealed to me. Anyway, we talked tours and how to make them memorable and special and what struck me was the way these guys accept that they are often training bikers to not necessarily need them any more! Once a biker was experienced in European travel of course he can trundle off alone if he so desires. I did pick up the hint that much of the fun was meeting new people though so I assume many come back for new routes and new friends. After that discussion I wandered off and snapped photos. Now at this point I will break off with a few pics and do a new blog about the show. My highlight? Stumbling across BSB stars James Ellison and Leon Camier after the close of the show and buying the GSE racing/Airways Yamaha book signed by both the boys. Pity I missed Charlie Boorman, James Witham and Niall Mackenzie.

Photos: James Ellison BSB R1 wizard, Carl from EXtra MILe bike tours and a non-smoker Swan girl! Brollie Babes amidst the swirl, Ducati 1200 Woodpecker, BMW S1000RR with two kids on board.

MotoZania Meet, bad weather, NEC, Tuono memories.

OK, first off, the MotoZania Meet will be at 5pm this Sunday November 29th at The Swan, Haslemere, Surrey. With the horrid weather we've been having I hope some will come. Flaming Henry but it's been abysmal. Dark, wet, violent winds and every flippin' day for weeks on end!

This Saturday I'm off to Birmingham to the NEC to see the latest bikes, meet with a motorcycle tour operator and also with Superbike at some posh hotel. They appear to want my opinions. Ha! Fools! I'll only rant and rail against speed cameras and the insane 'safety' paranoia of our nanny state...

No I won't. I'll answer their questions about my favourite bikes and the REAL question they always want...'when is my insurance up for renewal'...I wonder why? I'll take the camera. Pictures up soon.

Sarcasm aside, I'm still mending but not fast enough or well enough. I see the bikers go by and eat my heart out with envy. Oh well, good for them.
Got me thinking about the Aprilia Tuono I test rode. WOW! It was riding a hurricane that had bred with a tornado and picked up a comfy saddle as it blew through the countryside. The thunderous V-Twin was immensely powerful and the throttle action was instant and explosive. The brakes were beyond awesome. I'm used to smooth fours that, although powerful and fast, don't FEEL as fast or exciting. By the time I was riding the Tuono the lads in the group were 'on to it' and one skillful chap was wheelying past me at some ungodly speed. I just focused on keeping up but the overriding sensation was thunderous, instant, controllable power. I want one NOW! In fact, it impressed me so much that I have put the Aprilia RSV at the top of my 'next bike' list. Why the RSV and not the Tuono? I'm not into naked bikes because I find wind blast the most tiring of all the forces one faces when riding long distances.
May I quote from the Aprilia website? http://www.aprilia.com/
· New V 60 Magnesium Evolution engine
· Dynamic air intake (the only naked with ram air technology)
· Electronic fuel injection system with 57 mm throttle bodies
· 16 bit engine management unit
· Exhaust system with twin silencers and three way catalytic converter with Lambda probe oxygen sensor
· Aluminium alloy perimeter frame
· Double banana aluminium swingarm
· Lighter steering yoke
Once again Aprilia has succeeded in producing an exclusive, refined and unique naked. The latest Tuono 1000 R remains the most sought after of all naked twins, and the perfect synthesis of exclusive components, quality, technology and finish.
Like the RSV, the Tuono has been perfected on the track to satisfy the most demanding and refined motorcyclists. Each individual part has been developed to maximise the performance and riding pleasure of a naked that is already a legend in racing circles.
Engine performance is better than ever. Maximum power is 102 kW (139 HP) at the crank and maximum torque 10.9 kgm at only 8,500 rpm. The Aprilia Tuono 1000 R is therefore among the most powerful of all nakeds.

Bashed-up, bored, bitter and brain-dead.

Well, the weather is abysmal, the evenings dark, the motorcycle racing finished and I'm still not healed or healthy hence my total neglect of this blog...

Self-destruction seems imminent.

If it wasn't for the 2000 biking magazines I have to catch up on I'd jump off Beachy Head now. I've decided to hire a little car (God forbid) and drive to the NEC near Birmingham (the ORIGINAL - not that faked copy in Alabama) to see the motorcycle show. I am meeting a few business people and checking out the tasty new stuff for 2010 that it seems no one can afford to buy.

I have had no luck selling my trusty steed in Arizona (2005 R1) and I hear from American friends that they will pay you to take a new bike. I signed up with 1000 dealers so now I have 32,000 bikes and I'm stinking rich. Not!

If I heal enough over the next few months I'll start looking at KTM990's or Aprilia RSV's. Yum yum.

I'll post some photos on MotoZania.com from the NEC show.

This month's MotoZania Meet in Haslemere at The Swan will be on Sunday 22nd so do join us. Pity our meet is prior to the NEC show but there is another show in February in London. More bike pics for that show too.

In the meantime...here are a few shots from the Haslemere Fire Station event called Right It Right. Hogsback Brewery Bike was loved by all. Although choppers are here in the UK we do our best to discourage such behaviour. Hand painted tanks and helmets were AMAZING! Desmo Dave came again on his awesome Desmosedici. The SOUND! Like Niagara Falls in your living room! And last but not least the new BMW 100RR. Better in the flesh than in photos. I sat on it. Big deal...I can hear you! Don't worry, you'll hear about it when I test ride this sucker!

MotoZania Meet at The Swan Haslemere Sun Oct 25

Well I'm sick of being sick. My hand is still a throbbing mess and I've had flu and a cold for weeks. I'll eventually get back to writing more blogs about bikes and events. In the meantime...
MotoZania Meet:
Sunday October 25th, 5pm (ish) at The Swan, Haslemere High Street. Meet and chat bikes or even rubbish. I've got an idea I'd like help with and incoming technology is always a good subject in my books.
Hope to see you there.

MotoZania Motorcycle Meet at The Swan in Haslemere Sunday 20th Sept.

This blog is to announce that I will hold the first MotoZania Motorcycle Meet at The Swan in Haslemere High Street this Sunday from about 5pm following the Haslemere Fire Station's motorcycle safety event called Ride It Right. Up to 800 bikers are expected at that event which is just 1 minute from The Swan, a J.D. Wetherspoon pub.
WHAT? A PUB encouraging safe riding??? You bet!
J.D.Wetherspoon's pub The Swan (http://www.jdwetherspoon.co.uk/pubs/pub-details.php?PubNumber=691) offer a great range of alcohol-free beer and cider, soft drinks, fruit drinks, tea and the best coffee in town (in my crabby opinion). Allied to the best value-for-money food on the planet you can fill up your tank to ride long and hard. No need to sweat the blue lights behind you either (unless you're riding like you probably usually do!).
Now get this. Come hungry lads! Ben, the manager, has offered MotoZania Meet bikers who order an ALCOHOL-FREE drink 20% off the food. You'll need a bloody Harley to haul you away mate! I'll be at the Ride It Right event handing out the vouchers. If you can't join us at 5pm you can still order the food at The Swan with your free voucher.
On the agenda for debate is what bike I should buy to replace my smashed R1. Passionate opinions welcome.
The Swan will become a regular MotoZania Motorcycle Meet once a month. Free parking on Sundays and a HUGE car park right in the town centre beind Waitrose. Spread the word. Oh, and go join Motozania.com or I'll have to slap you about. (Enter stage left a 6'3" Hells Angel)

Mana from heaven

At last, the plaster is off my right arm and, although my now lumpy right hand hurts like hell, I can tap away enough to play catch up on my MotoZania.com blogs and my first task is to comment on my June test ride on the Aprilia 850 Mana automatic. Yes you heard right - automatic.
Not as in squirt and go rubber band thingies but proper F1 Ferrari-style electronic split nano-second gear change through a proper box. AMAZING!
I fancied trying this bike after Bike magazine reported it was a good 'city' bike. I was advised to be sure and try all 3 change methods to see just how good it was. I started off following the mad boys at a fair old clip using my left foot as normal, minus the clutch. I gigantic gear counter told me in billboard size numbers which gear I was in. I swear I could read that number without looking down! It changed instantly without a glitch. The usual green-lights-all-the-way sod's law took effect so it was a while before I could try out the 'paddle' change. Press the rather obscure button under the usual horn position with your left thumb and hey presto the next gear up. A tad awkwardly, tap the paddle/switch back with your forefinger and you drop a cog. Easy as pie. Finally we got a red light and I thumbed through the menu to full automatic. Now the boys were warmed up and really setting a pace so I was glad to focus on just keeping up throttle and avoiding their arses with the superb brakes. I LOVED this bike. All I had to do was twist and brake and swallow hard at the corners as I chased the lads. After a few lairy moments I began to revel in the fact that I could just focus on leaning hard and watching out for the 20mph Nissan Micra drivers - the 'white-knuckle brigade'. The more I rode hard (for me) the more amazed I was at the way the Mana 850 always seemed to be in exactly the right gear for the conditions. Of course an experienced track day hero would likely scoff, but for me it was the surprise bike of my life. I rode the naked version and I am not a lover of naked bikes (I HATE wind blast).
The styling doesn't do a lot for me but the practicality with storage is excellent. I could tour Italy on the faired version of this baby. Whatever you do, before you buy any new bike, grab yourself a test ride on this bike if only for the giggle.
Oh no, I sound like a dodgy sales git don't I? I cannot understand why they don't put this 850 engine in the Dorsoduro though.
The Aprilia website lists the features as follows:

• 90° V twin engine with four valves per cylinder, Euro 3 homologated

• sportgear transmission: electronically controlled sequential gearshift offering two shift modes seven speed manual or Autodrive with three mappings: Touring, Sport, and Rain

• storage compartment with non-scratch lining, large enough for a full-face helmet, with mobile phone holder, toolkit & document holder, and 12V power socket

• under-seat fuel tank

• brakes with radial calipers

• 43 mm upside down fork

• offset monoshock with spring preload and rebound adjustments

• steel trellis frame with single piece aluminium swingarm

• twin spark ignition

• electronic fuel injection with single throttle body

• latest generation two channel ABS system (ABS version only)

Fingers are handy little things

Excuse the awful pun in the subject line. It's day 2 and I am insane with pain. I sleep an hour or two and most of that is slow rolls in agony to find a painless position. Futile. Yesterday I managed a nice shower and shave with a Waitrose carrier bag over the plaster. Then I slid into some nice freshly shrunken blue jeans. One does of course need fingers that work to do up such insignificant items as buttons and zips. So that is why I was on my neighbours doorstep at 9am hoping she was home and wouldn't take it all wrongly. She was out so with a last gasp of pain I got that damned Levi button through the hole. It took a total of 40 minutes and 5 aspirin.

Now it's 5:30 am and I am off my flippin' rocker with pain. The Achilles tendon is the worst but the busted arm is playing a close second fiddle.

Being one handed is awful but when that hand is the 'wrong' hand it gets ridiculous. Brushing ones teeth takes on a whole new perspective in the art of painful frustration. Toothpaste in the eye, brush up yer nose, gums bashed by plastic. I managed to clean one tooth and said 'sod it'.

As soon as I can stand to be still for 2 minutes I'll start to tell you about the fabulous, remarkable Aprilia 850 Mana. Bear with me.

I’m out of hospital now...

I went the way of all bikers...over the bonnet!

I always said it would be a Rover that took me out. Right? I’ve said for years “It’ll be Rover and he will cut across my path and boom”. Forget Volvos, they all migrated to Rovers.
Well in the odd way that accidents happen and seconds change everything this one was no exception. He didn’t remove me from the planet but worse he destroyed a beautiful red and white 1998 original Yamaha YZF R1. My baby! Now had he been 1 second quicker I’d be doing wheelies and burn-outs in Hell. (They tell me burn-outs are much, much easier in Hell). Or had I NOT been sensible (my being sensible was a rare occurrence because being sensible just does not suit me) but had I chosen to make my usual ‘brisk progress’ I would have been well past him when he pulled out. And like all accidents, I was 5 minutes from home. He was 3 seconds from home.
I was cruising about 50-55 in a 60 zone with very little traffic in the leafy green ‘A’ road that leads me home. Bright and sunny about 7pm. Lights on, VERY visible in full leathers of black and white and red on a red and white bike. I saw the blue Rover MG with the big spoiler on the back to my right waiting to dash across this main road, into my path, and on into a small side road. I eased off the throttle instantly to see what he would do. Yup. He roared into my path and I managed a perfectly straight controlled stoppie. Right into his nearside wing.
I was catapulted across his bonnet and as I somersaulted through the air I was actually thinking “wee what a great flip!”. No word of a lie. It felt like a fairground ride. Until the unforgiving black stuff about 2 metres beyond his bonnet took a chunk out of my helmet and shoulder. I managed a ‘parachute roll’ and minimized the damage. I tried to sit up but was a tad woozy. Then as I did sit up a friendly blond arrived at my side and said she was a doctor. I thought she was an angel and I was at the pearly gates but I knew THAT was never going to be. So I took my gloves off and helmet and then remembered my camera in my super Axio backpack. I took it out as the driver got out and asked how I was. “Never better, sorry to crash in on you old chap” I said. He asked if he should call an ambulance (Yes please) and as I sat stunned I saw my baby with her arse in the air on the other side of the car. I started taking photos.
I got up and took more shots but by now the punches to my thighs and belly from smashing the screen were really hurting. The driver’s wife appeared and looked worse than me poor girl. It was her car. She said she would kill her husband but we managed to laugh together. He apologised profusely and said those immortal words that all car drivers do “I never saw you mate!”

By now the crowds had asked some bikers to help get the bike to the grass verge and then the ambulance arrived. Now the pain was to begin because in the interests of my ‘safety’ they trussed me up like a chicken in a neck brace and a damned head-crushing device designed by the Catholic Inquisition. That bloody head restraint is so badly designed that it has hard plastic edges that cut into your skull. I told the doctor I would find the designer and inflict serious pain on him. I was rolled into a red inflatable bag and whisked off to Guildford Hospital A&E.
Now the usual Kingstone luck began. It was one of the busiest nights and I would be there over 5 hours. X-rays were arranged as I began to slowly swell in all sorts of places and pain began to grow. Then the bobbies arrived. Nice lads really but they wanted a statement and gave me the usual warning that anything I said would be written down, retyped into lies and used to imprison me for being a biker. And a sports biker at that! I told him the story very slowly so he could write it out word for word and then signed it. With a broken right wrist. The same broken wrist I used to snap photos. Good thing my single brain cell didn’t kick in. Off they went to deal with some yob caught shoplifting for his drug habit. I offered to kill him but they reckoned he’s manage that well enough by himself.
A very nice doctor gave me a thorough examination for almost an hour it seemed and declared me remarkably fit and tough for my age. I told him I dove over the car to come to Hospital for just that compliment. We had a few laughs and established the damage. Broken right wrist, fracture to the right foot, Achilles tendon damage (MY GOODNESS WE ARE TALKING PAIN WITH THAT ONE), and a bashed forefinger on the left hand. Great! The very finger necessary to raise a cuppa tea! I guess I’ll have to go over to drinking beer. Muscles in my thighs are badly punched about so lifting a leg is agony. But the real damage is that my R1 is well smashed. I’m lonely already.
So I finally hobble out the Hospital door in plaster to a midnight taxi home that bankrupts me. The kindly driver took 5 minutes to get me the 2 metres into my living room. I called my friend Louisa at 1am to come play nurse. She told me to go to bed. So I phoned a buddy in Minneapolis who would sympathise enough to stop the adrenalin rush I was on so I could sleep. At 3am Louisa brought some food and water and got the aspirin for me. So here I sit, broken hearted, my R1 and I forever parted.
Lessons learned?
1. Had I been speeding I would not have had the accident so I need a faster bike. Right? Makes perfect sense to me.
2. If you see a Rover (read Buick/Oldsmobile in the States) go in any direction - but get away!
3. Never, ever, ever ride without all the protective clobber. Not even to ‘pop down to the shops’.
4. Try to avoid ambulances. They’ll really give you a pain in the neck.

I had a fantasic day at Brands Hatch where Leon Camier slaughtered everyone on the gorgeous sounding R1. He won all 3 races this weekend. More about my weekend at Brands Hatch for the British Superbike races in the next blog. I’m slow at typing as it is but with no moveable fingers on my right hand it’s a chore!
Ride safe everyone. Trust no one.

Aprilia - Soggy Surrey test ride

Whilst I was in America Aprilia Emailed me.
Well, maybe not just me. I suppose a lot of bikers got that email. I was invited to try out several Aprilia bikes at their Box Hill, Surrey test day. I signed up, flew back from Phoenix turnip-truck class with a long stop in Houston to guarantee maximum jet-lag. Young dorks with face-masks terrified of swine flu sat in the food area at germ ridden plastic tables. This is an airport that announces that cracking jokes can get you arrested! Eedjuts!
I was to ride to Box Hill 3 days later and I knew I would be shaky with fatigue. That Saturday the weather was iffy not spiffy. Not many were at the damp(ish) event when I arrived for my 1pm test ride. The reception was casual, cordial, and confidence inspiring. I met the regional Manager for Aprilia who enthusiastically assured me that I would be surprised and delighted with their bikes.
Heck, I was sold on Aprilia a long time ago as riders on the 60 degree V-twin RSV Mille thundered past my house causing structural damage with the most exquisite sounding twin I know. Now the old pig-face RSV was not a beauty but the current crop of bikes are drop-dead gorgeous in my view with the RSV4 being just stunning (It was ‘on show only’ although the obliging and enthusiastic boys did start it up for our aural pleasure). Most of the visitors stared at it, bowed and muttered “We are not worthy”.
My 1pm ride was on the Dorsoduro and I was very keen to see how at home I felt on that 750 supermoto.
There were only a few of us going out onto the narrow, twisting A and B roads of Surrey. I was used to the sedate pace set by the test-ride leaders in Arizona. Well that expectation was blown within 30 seconds! As the highly experienced riders set a pace I was surprised at I began to see what this bike could do. There was one snag. I wanted to ‘fiddle’ with the electronic settings but changing the settings on-the-go was less than ideal. I’ll quote the Aprilia web page http://uk.aprilia.com/modelli/road/modello_txt.asp?id=154: Three performance modes, Sport, Touring and Rain, can be selected on the move from a switch on the handlebars (with the throttle closed for safety reasons). The Dorsoduro changes its character radically, depending on what mode you select. Sport mode gives you aggressive instant power; Touring mode gives you a smoother action, better suited to relaxed long distance riding; and Rain mode gives you ultimate safety slippery surfaces.
Note that one has to have a closed throttle and press the starter motor button as a menu selector. DUH! It was like my computer mouse. It would decide whether or not it was in the mood to make the changes I wanted. So within a few minutes I was praying for a good long red light. Have you ever noticed that when you WANT a red light (say to check a map) they are locked on green all the way to Scotland? I was used to Arizona where the lights are painted red and you wait months for a crew of Mexicans in a pick-up with a ladder to come and paint them green. I see skeletons in SUVs at the lights over there...
So here I was, fiddling with little clue as to what I was selecting because, although you can change on the go, trying to do so on a closed throttle is rather tricky. I don’t spend a lot of time in forward motion on a closed throttle! It was all fun-and-games as I attempted to keep up with Rocket man, trying to stay alive as we swooped like fighter jets on wimpy Rover dawdlers, and still trying to gain an impression of the overall handling and power at my disposal. My mind wandered to my debit card and the threat of financial self-destruction if I dropped this toy or embedded myself in the back of some old monument’s Micra. I realised I was getting tense as my annoyance rose with every green light. In the end I gave up and just laughed at the way Sod’s Law rules everything in the universe.
My overall impressions of the bike? Brill.
I used to love my old KLR650 in Munich as a great ‘see over the duffers’ tall tool so riding high on the thoroughly modern Aprilia Dorsoduro I was immediately in my ‘comfort zone’. The handling was easy and smooth and the low-speed abilities were great after my old R1. The brakes were amazing and a gentle hand was needed. I managed a small stoppie at the first roundabout as we left and quickly learned to caress the lever not yank it. I loved the Dorsoduro’s super-sharp brakes. I noticed that the slight buzz in the footpegs was lowest on Touring mode, significantly more in Sport mode and noticeable in Rain mode. These settings really do alter the characteristic and as it was drizzling on and off on parts of the ride I got to try Rain mode in a real situation. I eventually settled on Touring as my favourite although the Sport mode was great when I fell behind due to ‘nervous Nellies’ poodling along and faffing about in their OAP cars. We had a good long ride. In my humble opinion the bike is a very stylish winner and felt like quality workmanship. I especially liked the shark gills on the tail pipes that are so visible when following the Dorsoduro. The downside? I noticed the lower power of the 750 compared to my R1. Big deal.
Would I recommend it? Yup. But I need a much longer ride to really evaluate this baby. Anyway, you can go to www.apriliadorsoduro.com and book a test ride at a dealer near you to see for yourself. And maybe ride at your own pace too.
Would I buy one? Hmmmm. That KTM 990 is still so strong in my heart.
Good: Styling. Quality. Engine is very nice. Varying modes are pretty useful. Dash is readable. Plug and play I say.
Bad: I’d prefer the 850 engine in it.
Ugly: Changing mode on the move is not really that easy. Overall: Very nice. I really liked it and I thought it was easy to ride right out of the box.
Want to Try Before I Buy: Ducati Hypermotard, Triumph Street Triple, Benelli Tre K1130,
Tech Specs:
Aprilia V90 four stroke longitudinal 90° V twin. Liquid cooling. Double overhead camshaft with mixed gear/chain drive; four valves per cylinder. Ride-by-Wire System
Bore x stroke 92 x 56.4 mm.
Total displacement 749.9 cc.
Compression ratio 11 : 1.
Maximum power at the crank 67.3 kW (92 HP) at 8750 rpm.
Maximum torque at the crank 8.4 kgm (82 Nm) at 4500 rpm.
Electronic fuel injection with ride-by-wire electronic throttle control.
Ignition Digital electronic, integrated in the fuel injection system.
Exhaust Two in one system in 100% stainless steel
Wet sump.
Six speed.
Hydraulically operated multi-plate wet clutch.
Final drive Chain.
Frame Modular steel trellis secured to aluminium side plates by high strength bolts. Detachable rear frame.
Front suspension: 43 mm upside-down fork. 160 mm wheel travel.
Rear suspension: Aluminium alloy swingarm. Hydraulic shock absorber adjustable in spring preload and rebound damping. 160 mm wheel travel.
Front Brakes: Double stainless steel wave floating wave disc 320 mm. Four-piston radial calipers. Metal braided brake line.
Rear Brakes: Stainless steel disc 240 mm with single piston caliper. Metal braided brake line.
2-channel Continental ABS system (ABS version)
Aluminium alloy wheels. Front: 3.50 x 17". Rear: 6.00 x 17".
Front: 120/70 ZR 17. Rear: 180/55 ZR 17.
Seat height: 870 mm
Wheelbase: 1,505 mm
Trail: 108 mm
Rake angle: 26°
Tank capacity 12 litres (approx.125 miles)

Weekly? Did I say weekly? More like weakly!

Well I'm back on the planet at last. If I get into my interior design and decorating and building I am GONE!
Holidays over I'm back with a bang as I plan for the September 20th Haslemere Fire Station Ride It Right biker show. I'm also organising a MotoZania biker's meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month from August 2009 at our local J.D. Wetherspoons pub, The Swan in Haslemere High Street. TONS of parking, alcohol-free drinks and cheap food. Ride some very scenic roads to get there. The Swan will also attend the biking safety meet at the Fire Station selling alcohol-free beers and ciders and soft drinks to the hundreds of hungry bikers that devour the free burgers. Discounts will be available on meals purchased with alcohol-free drinks. Stay sober - ride like Rossi. But not on our flippin' roads!
That's my rant this week. The state of our B roads. Forget Ewan and Boorman on their BMWs. I doubt they could ride these Surrey roads without spinal compaction, fillings down the throat and wheels that look like wavy brake discs after an hour. Come on Waverly Borough Council... ever heard of a thing called Tarmac? And putting the odd bit down like rough Spanish plastering is NOT decorative you Wallys!
Ding! Rant over. (Especially when I recall Washington DC roads. OMG! These guys are going to rule the world and they can't even pave their own front drive? George Washington Bridge in NY is second in the terrifying roads awards). The photos are a taster of the roads I test the bikes on. Narrow, twisty, often very rough, full of old duffers with dentures in the wind as they strive to hold onto the steering wheel never mind see over the dash with their bifocals perched on the end of their noses. Signal right - turn left... cotton-head Rover drivers every time mate!
I'm finally managing to get my impressions onto the laptop of the three Aprilias I rode a few weeks ago. Read the first one tomorrow. Dorsoduro 750...

Welcome to my MotoZania blog

Welcome to my weekly MotoZania.com column. Or is that now a blog? Oh and it may not be exactly weekly.
I’m James Kingstone known on MotoZania.com as R1madBrit. I am responsible for getting MotoZania.com to number 1 in UK and Europe. (Wir koennen auch Deutsch redden wann du wilst).
This weekly column will be my take on all things motorcycling.
Ride with me on my rants, road-tests, learning, training, venting, sarcasm, enthusing, comparing, explaining and hopefully receiving/giving plenty of banter and teasing. I will introduce interesting bikes, people, places, and technical stuff from a layman’s point of view. OK, OK – idiot’s point of view! There may be a fair bit of USA/UK/Euro comparison going on if that’s alright with you. Oh, and my benchmark bike is the Yamaha R1. I have a ’98 here in England and a 2005 in Arizona (now sadly for sale). A list of bikes I’ve owned goes as follows, I won’t list the 110 cars...
Triumph Tiger Cub – 200cc – England 1968. Black/Silver Cafe Racer with clip-ons. I loved it.
Honda S90 – 90cc – Black/Silver. It never let me down from London to Oxted.
Yamaha AT90(?) – 90cc – Yellow/Chrome. My first wheelie. Too lightweight. Triumph Tiger Cub – 200cc – Blue/Silver. Murder to kickstart. I fitted ‘scrambler’ bars.
BSA Twin - 500cc – White/Red – Darley Moor club racer. Alloy oil tank and clip-ons. Handled well.
Triumph T100 – 500cc – Blue/Silver. Fast at the time. I sold it for £125. I could cry...
Norton Dominator – 600cc – Black/Silver. Reliable. Good brakes. Only Lucas killed it.
Kawasaki GPZ600 – 600cc – Red/Silver. Very fast on the Munich Autobahns in 1990.
Kawasaki KLR650 – 650cc – Blue/White. Brilliant in Munich city traffic, Slow up the alps!
Ducati 750ss – 750cc – Black. Terrible steering lock. Dropped a valve. Love/Hate as always.
Honda CBR600 – 600cc – red/White/Blue. Back in England. Sensible, fast, comfortable.
Yamaha FS1E – 50cc – Red (resprayed). My son and I had fun in the car park on this.
Yamaha YZFR1 – 1000cc –Red/White. 1998. Still riding it. Smooth. A classic.
Yamaha YZFR1 – 1000cc –Red/Black. 2005. My Arizona bike. This is my second home. No expenses claimed to the UK Government...yet!
To begin with I need to set your expectations.

I am NOT an ex-racer.
I am NOT an engineer.
I am NOT a motorcycle business guru.
I do NOT really understand rebound damping settings, sag, offset and trail etc etc.
I am NOT certain about why a bike handles well or ‘badly’.
I am NOT good at wheelies or stoppies.
I am NOT a duffer whatever Andy says.

I am a biker of middling capabilities who gets nervous in corners and has good days and bad days. (I fell off once near Farnham castle. Diesel fuel on a wet road. Made me twitchy in right handers for a long time...)
I have been riding since 1968. That’s 40 years man! OK so you’ve guessed I’m an old git!
I passed my motorcycle licence the second time round on cobbled Manchester roads in 1971. There were NO road markings on cobbled roads therefore you failed your test at the minor crossroads because your mates didn’t warn you. Good laugh in the pub afterwards at your expense. I soon learned and passed within a month. Goodbye L plates.
I took the Arizona motorcycle test for my USA licence over 40 years later. I came only middle of the class! I blame my 250 Ninja’s sticking clutch and brakes for my stoppies... they hit my head with the clipboard and said I was incorrigible. I have to renew it every 6 months due to massive USA-wide bureaucratic ‘safety’ regs. (sigh).
The idea was that a USA licence may prove wise for my 15,000 mile charity ride for Paul Newman’s Hole-In-The-Wall-Gang charity for kids. All it did was get me two speeding fines! I rode around the outside of the USA for 3 months and one week on my 2005 Yamaha R1. The USA is GREAT for riding. http://designr1fullcircletour.blogspot.com/
I also took the wheelie school in England. It snowed and we lost half a day. Me and another old git named Richard came top two. Needless to say he was numero uno. Go on and brag ya bastard! It didn’t help me wheelie my R1. The plastics are worth more than my life if I drop the thing showing off. I need a rat bike to practice on...

I blame that 1960’s Triumph Tiger Cub for my fascination with all things technical. My aspirations as an artist disappeared in a cloud of double overhead camshafts. I picked that Triumph up from a sleasy Brixton dealer and by the Ace Cafe on the North Circular it was snowing so heavily I had 2 feet down all the way to my Notting Hill £1.50 per-week 5th floor bedsit. We can talk TRex and Twiggy later guys!
It was the impossibility of starting that Tiger cub that made me go to the local library and begin reading about how engines and motorcycles work that began the fascination. I was robbed of that £50 cafe racer by a Scouser swine for £6. Can you believe it? I can name him to this day! ‘Trick me once – your shame, trick me twice – my shame’. That’s why I plan to ‘Learn as I go along’ and hope that you will follow my escapades. Or should that be escape-aides?
Enough of the introduction rubbish - on to my first real bike test. Photos attached.









KTM 990Adventure
I first sat on the KTM 990 Adventure at an Arizona motorcycle show. I just liked the ‘sharp-edged’ design after the awful era of ‘organic’ shapes and jelly-mould styling. Triumph's swimmer-goggle Sprint was the ugliest. Tom Seagroves of Bernies, the Mesa Arizona KTM dealer offered me a test ride. http://www.ktmmotorcyclesusa.com/. I had a whole Saturday afternoon as long as I signed the waiver not to sue them if I was an ass and crashed. WTF? In England the dealers make you leave a £10bn bail-out deposit, sacrifice your first-born and bring your great grandmother as a pillion to ensure safe speeds. (Or so I thought until I met the Aprilia nutters...next column!).
Saturday sees me suited and booted and nervous and quiet. The guys at Bernies were cool and wheeled my orange beauty out and said ‘adios’. I could barely touch the ground and I am 6’. I wobbled out onto East Southern and headed to Country Club and north to Payson AZ. Let’s make the story short. Riding all alone on strange roads in a foreign country is a tad lonely. But did I fall in love or what? And just like LOVE this baby came with PAIN! The seat is a pain in the arse. Gel filled boxer-shorts with a mattress bungee-corded on top of the seat might help. Seriously, after 20 minutes I was in agony. I ride my R1 for HOURS with no pain so it must be the upright riding position as well as that cast concrete seat.
Everything was so SMOOTH and GRUNTYon the 990. The only words I can find for the clutch/engine/gearbox interaction is ‘buttery smooth’. Once I got used to the Himalayan view from the concrete saddle I was in heaven in both ways. I had never experienced a bike that can give you so much confidence. I was rolling through corners at 95mph single handed taking photos with my left hand! ‘Eedjut’ you say but you have to experience the confidence boost to believe it.
Once up through the twisties and into the town I tanked up. The twin tanks were not a great idea and the cables blocking the key became an irritant. Get it sorted KTM. At the top end of town was an English roundabout! I rode round it 12 times it was so much fun! (Sad bastard but this is the land of 5000 mile straights).
Good: Superb controls and handling with smooth operation. Funky styling. Slim. Good wind protection. Little glove box is nice.
Bad: That flippin’ seat is concrete! Ass ache until you DIE!!! Cables interfere with key. Twin tanks. Exhausts could burn some saddlebags?.
Ugly: Spindly swingarms.
Overall: Superb. I LOVED it and WANT ONE NOW!
Want to Try Before I Buy: Moto Guzzi Stelvio, BMW R1200GS, Ducati Multistrada, Triumph 1050 Tiger,
Tech Specs: 990 Adventure
2 cylinder, 4 stroke V 75°
999 cc
72 kW / 8500 rpm
95 Nm / 6500 rpm
11.,5:1
Electric Starter
5 speed, claw shifted
Electronic fuel injection
4 Valves / DOHC
Liquid cooled
Multi-disc wet clutch, hydraulically operated
Keihin EMS
Tubular chromoly space frame, powder coated
WP-USD Ø 48 mm
WP-PDS shock absorber with hydraulic spring pre-load
approx.22 Liter
approx.199 kg